I Hate Laundry Day

I am angry.

*Takes deep breath*

So I planned to do my laundry tonight. Now, me being the clever, productive person that I am, just assumed that people (other people that is) go out on Saturday nights. Hence the laundry would have free washing machines and I wouldn't have to stand around waiting. But no, I was wrong. First of all, the laundry on my block wasn't even working. The sign posted on the door said to use the laundry in the other block. Fine.

So I take the lift down, cross the freezing cold courtyard, dragging a massive garbage bag of dirty clothes, buzz myself into the other block and walk up to the other laundry. I push open the doors and find that all the machines are in use. Great. I stand around waiting like a fool. Someone's laundry is done but hasn't been collected. How typical. I decide to drop my garbage bag of laundry on the floor and go down to watch telly in the foyer. I come back up about five minutes later and there are two Russian girls standing around waiting for the laundry. We whinge about how nobody collects their laundry after the machine's finished and how bloody inconsiderate it is. We decide to take the clothes out and put them on top of the machines.

However, this girl finally comes in to collect her laundry just as I was standing over the machine with the door open looking a bit suss. Anyway, she gives me a weird look, collects her clothes and dumps them in the dryer. So I then carefully place all my dirty clothes into the machine, add some washing liquid and close the door. Then I put the coins in. But of course, because my life was meant to suck, the machine gobbles up my coins but doesn't let me wash my clothes. What the hell? I keep pressing the "colours" button on the machine. Nothing happens. It hasn't even registered that I've put money in the bloody machine. "Insert 2.00". I already friggin did that you dumbarse piece of whitegood trash. So after kicking the machine and hitting the coin slot bit, one pound comes out. Woo hoo. Hallelujah. But that's it. When I put the pound coin in again, it just rolls out. So the machine's basically stolen one pound from me (it costs 2 pounds for a load) and given me one back. As if it was some ironic stupid metaphor for how my life sucks or something.

Anyway, I storm down the stairs to complain to management. Of course it's Saturday night and there's no one there except some security guard. I abuse him pretty badly and swear my lungs out. Of course he can't do anything. "You'll have to do your washing on Monday."

He doesn't quite seem to understand that Monday is two days away and that half my clothes are drenched in Persil liquid wash. And that I need said clothes for Monday because I work on Monday just like how goddam management only work on Monday. So I scream at him and tell him how I hate this place and think that it's terrible and that hell can't be much worse. He empathises with me.

Anyway, I walk back up the stairs and bitch to the Russian girls. They also say the place sucks and that it's dirty. So there we are, just standing around waiting. Anyway, finally we take initiative and can't be bothered waiting anymore so we pull out the other people's clean clothes from the machines and dump them on top. Then I transfer my clothes into one of the washing machines while they use another one. I close the lid and put in the coins. Woohoo! one pound goes in! The machine says I only need to insert 80p more. Score! Oh...but of course good luck wasn't on the menu this week for me, so of course the machine gobbles up my 50p coin and doesn't work. What the hell? So this machine doesn't even work either. So I have now lost 1.50 pounds to two different machines. WHY ME???

So there I am. The Russian girls try to extract the gobbled up coin from the machine with a set of keys whilst I stand back and curse Orion's Point. No luck. So they leave and say "I guess you're having a bad day". No sh*t. I've been having a bad week. I am really annoyed. I just stand there, leaning against the taunting thief of a machine. The guy who's clothes we emptied on top of the machines comes in. You can tell he's annoyed at me. I don't give a toss. He was only about 30 friggin minutes late. In that time someone else coulda done their washing you idiotic, inconsiderate hog of a washing machine user.

Anyway, he takes his clothes and puts them in the dryer and heads off. Another girl comes in and waits for her washing to finish. I can tell she thinks I'm the biggest weirdo/stalker. I'm basically standing there with two "free" machines, just staring at her machine and counting down the minutes. I couldn't be bothered explaining to her what happened. I just let her assume that I was some freak who was probably stalking her. Which I wasn't.

Anyway, we both waited for her machine to finish. Thank god it did within those five minutes or else I think I woulda exploded. So she empties her machine as slowly as she freakin possibly can. I'm there standing with masses of Persil drenched clothes in my arms staring at her machine with these goddamn intent eyes. When she finally packs up her clothes, I practially dump everything in the machine. Done. I put in my coins slowly, one at a time. They both register and the machine lets me pick a setting! Hallelujah! Lady luck is finally on my side and not filing some sort of restraining order. The machine comes to life!

I go downstairs, pissed off but relieved and the security guard asks me for my room number. "Why do you wanna know?" I ask him. He knows I'm pissed off. He mumbled some reason which I didn't care about. Then I bitch to him some more, but he's real nice about it. I let it all out, about how my week has sucked and how Orion's Point is a dump and how nothing works. We have some sort of Dr Phil moment.

So in conclusion. The average time taken for a normal person to put their clothes in a washing machine, add washing powder, insert coins and select a setting: 4 minutes.

The time taken for Ed to do the same thing: 65 minutes.

Oh crap...my clothes have been ready for the last ten minutes!

How much do you wanna bet that the dryer screws me over? Stay tuned!